


You take my breath away

by ArdentLoves



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Just lots and lots of pining, Love, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Pining, Pining Crowley (Good Omens), Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-30 04:02:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20808200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArdentLoves/pseuds/ArdentLoves
Summary: Five love letters Crowley wrote and never sent to Aziraphale





	You take my breath away

Angel, 

Those both good and evil would destroy me if they discovered my secret, they would rip me to pieces without mercy. And I fear that you would not care, you would turn away from me in disgust if you knew this wretched creature loved you. But I must express these terrible feelings somehow, I must release them from my mind onto this paper and then, hopefully, I can be free of them. 

The truth is that I have loved you since the moment I met you in the garden. That was only a few centuries ago, barely a second, only a fleeting moment in a life as long as ours, yet it feels like this passion has burned within me for an eternity.

When you told me, so trustingly, that you had given away the flaming sword I knew you were the only truly good being left, not like the hypocrites above. Yet you were also so perfectly rebellious and I realised, in that moment, that you were so different from everyone else.

Even if I did not know it then I already loved you more passionately, more ardently and more desperately than it was possible for any of my kind to love. It is as if someone had ripped open my chest, pulled out my heart, the heart that has been locked away since I fell from grace, and given it to you.

I do not wish you reciprocated my feelings. You are too soft, too gentle, too kind, too innocent. I will never be capable of loving you as you deserve. You deserve tenderness and gentleness. I cannot give you that, I am too selfish and too cruel. I would only corrupt you with my darkness, with my evil. You would be named a traitor, you would be cast out of heaven, a fallen angel, enduring the agonizing torture of falling for the first time. I could never do that to you because as much as it pains me to even write it, the truth is that, I love you far too much to ever see you hurt.

I hate these feelings. These feelings that threaten to overwhelm me, to drown me entirely. These feelings that make me care for you so much, and force me to seek you out desperately, searching for your angelic light so I can spend time in your company. But I am a demon. This love cannot survive the wickedness and the evil within me. These feelings will surely soon die and then I will be free again. 

Angel,

How many more years will I have to endure this torment? How many more years will my love endure, forcing me to pine pathetically for you from afar? In my last letter I hoped that my love would die and I would be free. That seems impossible now. My love for you has only grown stronger since then. 

You spoke of temptation last time we met. How I wish i could tempt you. How I long to take you into my arms, to feel your lips against mine. To press kisses against your skin and hear sinful moans escape your lips. I am certain that if you were in my bed, nestled in my arms, it would feel more blissful than heaven ever did. In the warmth of your embrace, lost in the gentle light of your love, I would find my true home.

When I am around you, basking in your warm angelic light the pain of falling fades and sometimes I can forget that I am fallen. During those time a stubbornly optimistic part of me believes that you could want me. That we could have more than those stolen days we share, meeting in restaurants and in crowds, hidden from the watch of above and below. And instead, if I gained the courage to confess we would share an eternity in each others arms, indulging in human pleasures. 

Of course I know this is impossible. You would never love me as I love you, a being as beautiful and pure as you would never want an unforgivable like me. But even a demon can dream, can't he? 

My angel, 

I know now that I shall never stop loving you. My blackened heart is destined to yearn for you for the rest of eternity. I have resigned myself to that fate. 

When we met today in the Globe I could barely conceal my feelings for you. It took all my strength to stop a confession from falling from my lips. My heart seems to scream your name, every fibre of my being is calling out for you, burning for you, begging me to confess to you how I feel. 

You asked me to perform a miracle for you today- to make Shakespeare's dreary play popular. And you were so happy that I promised to do so. Can't you see that I would do anything for you? You only need to ask. I'm performing miracles to keep you safe and make you happy. I'm even doing blessings as part of the Arrangement. 

If below found out about that, they would destroy me in the most agonizing way that their spiteful unimaginative little brains can think of. But I don't care. The Arrangement is my favourite thing about Earth. Before it centuries would pass without us seeing each other but now I have an excuse to see you every month, an excuse to spend time with you under the guise of discussing work without raising your suspicion. 

I fear raising your suspicion more than i do anyone's, even hell's. If you ever knew why I was trying to spend so much time in your company, you would believe i was trying to tempt you. But I never would try to trick you in any way, angel. I would never try to tempt you. I don't care how many accolades I would receive for doing so. You are the only thing that is important to me, not Heaven, not Hell, not Earth. Only you. 

My angel, 

I kissed you yesterday. I know you don't remember but I can never forget it. We were both drunk, it was past midnight and we were wandering through the streets of London. Just as we walked past St Paul's, as you were talking about a book you had finished, the glow of the lamplight lit you up in the darkness.

You looked so beautiful- your blonde hair flecked with the snow that was falling from the sky, your cheeks flushed from the cold, your eyes alight with passion, incomparable in their beauty to any other sight, incomparable even to the beauty of the most captivating stars that fill the galaxies. 

In that moment I couldn't repress my desires. I moved forward expecting you to pull away, to stutter out an apology and then leave but you didn't and I closed the distance between us and kissed you. 

Your lips were so soft against mine and the kiss was filled with such passion. I was clinging to your jacket and you wrapped your arms around my waist. In that moment all I could feel was you, you consumed every one of my senses and for the first time, the pain I have felt since falling vanished.

Eventually, when we pulled away, stupidly gasping for breath when we don't need it, you didn't say anything. And then you pretended nothing had happened. 

I don't know if I can do the same but I will have to- I cannot live in this wretched world without you, not when I love you as much as I do. I believe that I would prefer to dunk my head in holy water than try. 

My darling angel, 

We argued and I lied to you. I told you I didn't need you but I do, I need you so much. How can you not see that? How can you not see how much I need you? How much I love you?

I long to be with you. I yearn for you with a heart I believed incapable of love but has belonged to you since Eden and will eternally. 

I wrote before that should I ever be with you, if you were ever mine, I would be selfish. I know differently now. If we were together I would cherish you completely, worship you as you deserve to be worshipped and love you unconditionally. And should you ever take me in your arms I am sure I could live happily for the rest of eternity. 

I have never loved you as passionately, as deeply or as desperately as I do now. I am yours. I am loyal only to our side. Not to Hell. I have not been loyal to them since the day I met you. All I want now is to be with you. I don't want to argue. I just want things to be the way they were before.

It was so stupid to ask for something I know you can't give me. I fear that it has destroyed the fragile bond we shared and now you no longer care for me.

I'm so sorry we argued, Aziraphale. I love you desperately. I cannot live without you and I do not know how I am going to survive in a universe where I am forced to. 

Yours eternally, Crowley


End file.
